Tag Archives: Scarlett Johannson

I’m sorry. We’ve lost him.

Ryan Reynolds is officially dead to me. He went and married that flabby, white, giant hoo-hoo girl this weekend.

I’m moving him to my Backup Boyfriend Boneyard, where he shall be buried along with Tim Matheson (he got old), Brad Pitt (he is a cheater), Shawn Cassidy (I grew up and realized he’s a dork), that dude I saw in a black shirt one time (he went into a store I don’t like), and the rest. I guess I have to move the Maroon Five guy and Jason Stratham up on the list. I might give Matt Damon a move up as well if he does another Bourne movie and wears a paper sack over his melon, since I only want to date his arms & shoulders.

I have no comment to share on this news and must retreat to my ice cream for the afternoon.

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Run while there’s still time, Ry!!

A dark cloud has appeared in the heavens above California today. My back-up boyfriend, aka Ryan Reynolds, has announced his engagement to that blonde chick with the big hoo-hoos from “Ghost World”. Apparently, he got tired of waiting for me all these years and decided to just pull the trigger. Or maybe he’s just trying to get some hand in our relationship. Ok. So it’s imaginary hand in our imaginary relationship, but still….

If he goes through with this sham of a marriage, I will have to officially dump his ass and find a new make-believe boyfriend. Damn. All the good ones are taken, gay, or douchy. It’s so difficult being me sometimes.

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