Tag Archives: Ryan Reynolds

I’m sorry. We’ve lost him.

Ryan Reynolds is officially dead to me. He went and married that flabby, white, giant hoo-hoo girl this weekend.

I’m moving him to my Backup Boyfriend Boneyard, where he shall be buried along with Tim Matheson (he got old), Brad Pitt (he is a cheater), Shawn Cassidy (I grew up and realized he’s a dork), that dude I saw in a black shirt one time (he went into a store I don’t like), and the rest. I guess I have to move the Maroon Five guy and Jason Stratham up on the list. I might give Matt Damon a move up as well if he does another Bourne movie and wears a paper sack over his melon, since I only want to date his arms & shoulders.

I have no comment to share on this news and must retreat to my ice cream for the afternoon.

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That’s right. Hands off my man!

Scarlett Johannsson in no rush to wed Ryan Reynolds

August 12, 2008 07:44 AM / BANG Showbiz

The ‘Vicky Cristina Barcelona’ actress, who announced her engagement to the Canadian star in May, insists she is happy being “young and engaged” for now.

She told US TV talk show host Jay Leno: “We’re just enjoying our time. We are just recently – very recently – engaged. So we are just taking it easy. And there is no big plan yet.

“I mean, I’m 23. There is no reason to rush into it. Everything feels very natural and relaxed.”

Last week, Scarlett revealed she was considering paying homage to Ryan’s home country by wearing a beaver crown when they tie the knot.

When she was asked if she would consider wearing the unique headgear, Scarlett replied: “OK, that’s creepy – an animal on my head. If it’s alive, maybe. Um, I guess so. I don’t know! I’ll take it!”

Scarlett and Ryan have been dating for more than a year.

What in the blazing hell is “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”? Is that a “Dora the Explorer” character?

Ah, who cares? The important part is that the big hoo-hoo girl is trying to wage a pre-emptive strike before Ry lowers the boom on her and kicks her pasty arse to the curb. He clearly cannot compromise and settle for a chick who probably does her best acting in Woody Allen’s handy-dreams. No, Ry can’t help what he feels for me and probably told her so, which is why she’s blathering this nonsense to The Chin.

Ok, Ryan, I’ll let you be my back-up boyfriend again. Just don’t go wearing things like this ever again if you want to stay in my good graces. You’ve been warned.

 

“Beaver crown”. That’s just way too easy of a joke….

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Run while there’s still time, Ry!!

A dark cloud has appeared in the heavens above California today. My back-up boyfriend, aka Ryan Reynolds, has announced his engagement to that blonde chick with the big hoo-hoos from “Ghost World”. Apparently, he got tired of waiting for me all these years and decided to just pull the trigger. Or maybe he’s just trying to get some hand in our relationship. Ok. So it’s imaginary hand in our imaginary relationship, but still….

If he goes through with this sham of a marriage, I will have to officially dump his ass and find a new make-believe boyfriend. Damn. All the good ones are taken, gay, or douchy. It’s so difficult being me sometimes.

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Boys don’t cRY

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My backup boyfriend, Ryan Reynolds, is trying his best to make me quit him. The doofy K-Fed hat, the third-grader red shoes and matching Garanimals belt, and…the dog. The little dog. WTF.

Ryan, if you wanted to break-up with me you should just call or maybe take me some place public so we can end it in a dignified manner. Preferably over $300 sushi at Nobu. 

This little fashion nightmare isn’t enough to stop me from stalking you. You’ll have to do better than that. Wrangler jeans, a Nascar trucker hat, and a fat gut might do the trick, however…

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Add Ry and we’ve got a trifecta!

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 6o Minutes did a very nice thing for middle-aged ladies (ie. me) and our gay friends last night. They sent Anderson Cooper to look at David Beckham’s tats. Jesu Cristo! My head might explode! That’s a lot of hotness all on one screen. The only thing better would be if you had Dr. Drew Pinsky and Ryan Reynolds on hand to help with the examination. Oh, and me there to supervise.

(Thanks to DListed.com for the “Morning Wood” alert)

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Hand over your wallet and your identity

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First of all, Ryan Reynolds has nothing to do with this post. I just needed something nice to look at to find my Zen place before discussing the ugly subject of taxes. 

Tax season is my least favorite of all the US holiday seasons. I call it a holiday because it’s like Christmas — you experience anxiety & heart palpatations as the day approaches, and your bank account gets drained.

In years past, I’ve had an accountant do all of my tax dirty work. It’s just easier to throw a bunch of documents at him and say “go do that voodoo that you do” and then just sign over any refund directly to him because it’s so flipping expensive. This year, however, I decided to go the el cheapo route and file my own since I am a smart person. Ok. I’m not that smart. I had software to help me. In the spirit of cheapness, that software was free thanks to my previous employer which had a deal with Intuit to provide free downloads to all employees. Cha-ching! That $22 saved will pay for my steak & shrimp platter at Sizzler, including the salad bar, so y’all know I’m stoked on that.

Anywho, I also chose to e-file my completed tax forms because, besides being cheap I am also too lazy to go to the post office. Well, now I’m a little worried and hoping that I did everything correctly and that the security on my pc was airtight after reading some news published by anti-malware vendor, Bitdefender:

Thursday March 20, 2008 Don’t Sign Your Refund Check Over to Malware Writers
Cybercriminals will find ways to reach your confidential information unless your network is securely protected

 
With tax season coming down to the wire, most American households are preparing to fire up their web browsers in order to use one of the main online tax preparation software programs in order to begin the dreary, but necessary, task of filing tax documentation for the year.Filing tax returns is one of the yearly tasks American households must add to their already-busy schedules. Without proper network security, households risk having not only their networks attacked, but also risk losing personal information. Some think that having a basic antivirus solution is enough to prevent intrusions. Others may not even be aware that their computer could be at risk. To help American households prevent identity theft, BitDefender® is offering valuable tips to follow this tax season. For most, filing taxes has become a routine. Few pause to contemplate the consequence of exposing all their information to the Net – and with the multitude of viruses, worms, phishing attacks, hacking attempts and other assorted nefarious acts being perpetrated on the Web these days, data and identity theft are not as remote of a possibility as people would like to assume.

“As cybercriminals learn and employ new ways to attempt to steal financial and personal information, consumers need to be aware that their network could be at risk,” said Bogdan Dumitru, BitDefender CTO. “Especially during tax season – when more and more people are turning to the internet to help file their tax returns – it is especially important for households to take extra steps ensuring their network security.”

Bastards! Isn’t it enough that they try to steal my debit card info at the supermarket, and now they want to screw with my tax junk? Argh! In the good ol’ days, malware writers would just launch attacks against porn users, online gamblers, and fun crap like that. Now they’re attacking me when I’m doing stuff I don’t even enjoy! Annoying. It’s like you’re paying for something you don’t want while getting shanked from the rear by some thieving little jerk. First the money then the blood. Anyways, if you haven’t filed yet the site had some tips to help avoid identity theft.

If the blackhats start messing with my Sizzler Saturdays, there will be hell to pay.

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Out and About

PerezHilton posted a few excerpts from Spin Magazine that features Michael Stipe’s comments about coming out as a homosexual. I have this to say:

1. When exactly did he come out? I don’t remember that news. Maybe it’s because REM is no longer relevant. Oh, snap!

2. Who didn’t already know he was gay? I had a friend in college who swore that he woke up in his dorm room once to see Stipe and his roommate getting it on after a concert. Nobody believed him except me. The guy just looked too scarred to be called a liar. But the big “proof” of Stipe being hetero was that he was supposedly dating Natalie Merchant from 10,000 Maniacs. If he wasn’t already gay or bi, that crazy chick would have driven him to the other team.

3. Does anyone care anymore? I mean, if you’re gay be gay. Sure, it’s sad to lose a hot piece like Neil Patrick Harris, but I’m not going to miss Michael Stipe. Or Lance Bass, for that matter. The straight female delegation officially gives them both to you, my gay brothers.

4. Ryan Reynolds used to date Alanis Morrisette and now he’s supposedly seeing Scarlett Johansson. Neither of those chicks can match his hotness, in my humble opinion. So I’m worried they could be smoke screen. If Ryan suddenly announces he’s gay, I will lock myself in the bathroom and cry for a whole week. The only way he can prove he’s straight is if he personally demonstrates his straightness to me. Ryan, my door and hot tub are open to you…

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