Tag Archives: ketchup

Ketchup makes people kill (and cruise for anonymous sex)

Which condiment you favor when you lather your hot dog — ketchup or mustard — reveals your politics, according to a noted political scientist.

“People who mostly or entirely use ketchup are much more likely to favor the invasion of Iraq than those who use mustard,” says Dr. Noah Frum, a senior fellow at the prestigious Institute for Political Advantage think tank.

“Red is an aggressive, war-like color, whereas yellow is much more passive and low-key, ” he says. Dr. Frum conducted his study when one of the political parties, looking for an advantage in the upcoming November elections, came to him looking for new ways to identify possible supporters.

“We’d done the usual ones — income, gender, education — so we decided to focus on food.”

Dr Frum gathered a number of subjects together, placed hot dogs and hamburgers in front of them, and gave them their choice of ketchup or mustard. Then he asked their opinions on a number of subjects, including the war in Iraq, terrorism and immigration.

“The ketchup eaters were much more likely to favor aggressive policies than the mustard-eaters,” he says. “Their food preferences weren’t the only thing that was ‘yellow’.” (source)

“The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper”, the Weekly World News, recently revealed this landmark research finding. It all makes sense to me now. Ketchup = red = blood = agression = war = loss = sadness = loneliness = desparation = bathroom foot tapping. At least that’s how I read it, but I am a known sicko.

Given the topic, I thought I would re-publish one of my poetic masterpieces from 2007:

the tao of ketchup
The Master of all condiments
may be squeezed upon the fried potato
but never upon the baked.
One may pour it like the Yangtze along the valley of ground steak
but never upon the choice cut.
Its molten lava red is simple beauty when drizzled upon the scramble
but never upon the soft white of the hard boiled child of the fattened swallow.
It is vinegar.
It is love fruit.
It is sugar.
It is high fructose corn syrup and unpronounceable preservatives.
it is one of fifty-seven varieties.

Reprints only by permission (meaning, send me some dough). I’ll just sit here by my mailbox waiting for my millions to come in.

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What I know abut Romania (it ain’t much)

Greetings from Romania, known for its vampires, gymnasts, and… well, I don’t know what else. One of those neat places on the map that very few people know much about.

Since you may not know much about this country (besides Vlad Drac and Nadia Comanechi), I would like to offer a bit of insight based upon what I know. Granted, I spend all of my time in the city (Bucharest), haven’t really done the tourist thing, and don’t generally run into vampires. In other words, I don’t pretend to know much about what’s happening here. F – it I’m still going to tell you what I think because that’s the kind of self-centered jerk I am.

1. Romanian people are cool. The people I’ve met in Bucharest — from business-people to cab-drivers — are nice. They’re engaging, pleasant, surprisingly open about politics, and nearly every one speaks flawless English. The women are also unbelievably beautiful, which means my boyfriend is not allowed to visit. I’ve told him the woman all are hags so he won’t want to visit. Back me up if he asks you about it.

2. Traffic sucks ass. Bucharest is the most congested urban city in Europe. I couldn’t even fathom a guess at the per square mile population because they seem to be jammed into every corner. I’m surprised Darwinism hasn’t turned the newer generations into midgets.

3. They like ketchup. Alot. Mostly on pizza topped with tunafish and corn kernals, because ketchup on fries is weird.

4. It’s dusty. Bucharest is like a city waking up from a long sleep. It’s covered in a patina of dust and dirt. The streets are crumbled, there are piles of rubble where buildings used to be 15 years ago, stray dogs nearly outnumber humans,… it’s a bizarre juxtaposition of the very old Parisian elegance of the city, the more recent Communist concrete ugliness, and the new glossy attempt at modernization all slammed into the same small area. Seriously, there is no logical flow to it, though the newer capitalists are doing everything they can to push the envelope quickly. I think it will likely be a number of years when the post-Comm hangover &  mania ends and sobriety begins to set in.

5. Meat is good. Vegetables…not so much. Let’s put it this way: if you are Hindi, steer clear.

My not-so-intensive research leads me to suggest that Romania (particularly Bucharest) is a fascinating destination. It may not be a comfortable vacation spot for most Westerners, but it does have all the markings of a big economic power in the making. I really am never stoked about traveling since I am more of a home-body, but coming here some 4-5 times in the last handful of months has been an interesting experience and glimpse into an emerging culture.

BTW, they show free porn on regular broadcast tv for an hour at night. …No comment.

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