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Reality bites.


Television generally bores me. I usually flicker through the channels for 20 non-stop minutes before declaring, “Damn it! TV sucks!” and grudgingly settle upon a re-run of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” My boyfriend has it even worse; he ends up watching “Bibleman” or some such insanity because he can’t stand re-runs. Poor guy.

All I can say is, “Thank you, VH1, for saving my otherwise wasted tv viewing hours!” Here are my mini-analyses for some of my faves this week:

  • Despite my earlier predictions that it was going to suck ass without Angelique, “Rock of Love” has really cranked into overdrive. This week, Brett took the remaining four girls to Las Vegas and high-jinx ensued. I don’t think I’ve thrown a drink at anyone in my entire life, but somehow that managed to happen 2 or 3 times in that one episode. Megan and Jessica, who I couldn’t tell apart because they had the same boring face and hair, are now gone and it’s down to the middle-aged lady who tries too hard, the pan-faced girl who overflattens her hair, and Oscar de la Hoya’s wacky over-processed inked-up stripper niece, Daisy, who lives with her ex and “hung out” with CC DeVille. Team Daisy all the way!
  • I do not know who Tocarra is, but I so want to hang out with her because she brings the crazy to “Celebrity Fit Club.” She went full-5150 mental all over the cute doctor and the lame shrink lady on the judges’ panel. Harvey, bless him, stayed cool as a cucumber. I love him. If he told me to climb up a 20 foot wooden trestle, I would happily scramble to the top. Maybe it’s some hidden s+m thing inside of me. Anyway, Screech continues to try to out-crazy Tocarra, but homie is played out. His antics are simply annoying now. Oh, and please give Erin Moran more alcohol. It’s just plain funny to see Joanie Cunningham drunk.
  • Poor hygiene is becoming an emerging theme on “Flavor of Love”. Previously, Bunns had to be tested for a herpes sore on her mouth (it turned out to be a pimple). This week, Shy got called out in front of everyone for her bad breath. Oh lawd! The upcoming week* looks even more exciting as Shy visits a dentist. From the looks of it, the poor girl hasn’t seen one in years. See? Reality tv changes people’s lives!
  • The second installment of “I Know My Kid’s A Star” was even better than the first. This show has nothing to do with the children whatsoever; it’s all about the insane showbiz parents. The breakout “star”, of course, is Rocky, an overdecked peacock of a woman who dresses like Strip Club Barbie. Her own run at stardom hasn’t exactly yielded marquee results, so she’s getting her kid started early to be the real breadwinner. She is f-ing awe-inspiring to watch. The annoying Betty White-looking lady with the yellow-white hair is also a hot mess who keeps threatening to take Rocky down a peg, but I’m putting it all on Gigi to tear Rocky’s ass up. Gigi looks like a normal suburban mom type, but I think she shows signs of true crazy bitch genius.

That pretty much sums up this week in programming excellence. I’m hoping MTV will get its act together and come up with something fresh. “Real World” died a long time ago, “True Life” has gotten stale, and “Made” has turned into a snoozefest. Don’t even get me started on “Pimp My Ride” (how many times can Mad Mike say “yo! I’m gonna hook him up with chrome wheels!” ??). 


* I apparently missed a week, since Shy was already gone in the March 31 episode during which we said goodbye to Prancer for having a big mouth about, uh, what it is she does with her big mouth.

Oh, Shy Shy. I miss you, girl. You so craaazy.


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Because watching crazy people on tv makes me happy


The “Flavor of Love 3” audition special was on last night. OMG. I can hardly contain my sick glee. If they had even one of the crazies from that special on the new season, we are in for some damn fine programming.

I’ve been feeling sort of rootless since “I Love NY 2” ended a couple of months ago. I’m digging “Celebrity Rehab”, but mostly because I love hearing Jeff Conway detoxing & screaming at shadows. I also have had a minor crush on Dr. Drew Pinsky since seeing him at the airport 10 years ago. He had the most perfect skin I’ve ever seen on a man — as well as a huge pile of matching Louis Vuitton luggage, which gets my motor revved every time. He’s also got some nice guns under that black t-shirt he wears sometimes. … whew. ok. I’m back now.

“Brett Michaels Rock of Love” just doesn’t do it for me. Believe me, I’ve tried to like it. He seems like a nice enough guy, but the phony bandana and jewelry just aren’t working. Oh, and he claims to be 40. 40?? Please. That guy was halfway to Social Security when I was still in high school. But the thing that really tore it for me is that he cut Angelique, the trannylicious French porn actress (sidebar: why do people call a porn actress a porn star? you wouldn’t call a movie extra a star, would you? just making a point…). Why why why would you get rid of your only ratings booster? Bah. The rest of them are like over tattooed homeless alley cats to me. Blech.

So I’ve finally got Flav back. Joy of joys! Who needs writers? Besides, they have to be enjoying the picket line because Eva Longoria and other press-hungry Hollywood chicks always seem to be bringing them Krispy Kremes in low-cut dresses. Now if only I could have Angelique on Flavor of Love. But maybe I’m just getting greedy by dreaming so big.

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