Tag Archives: dolphin

So long. And thanks for all the fish.

I’m worried about the dolphins.

On Tuesday, two performing dolphins at collided mid-air during a routine at SeaWorld Orlando, killing one.  30-year-old Sharky paid the ultimate price. His head-butting, spotlight-stealing companion ate Sharky’s fish dinner because, he said via dolphin interpreter Arthur Curry, “Dude is dead. No sense in letting it go to waste.”

Meanwhile, another dolphin (name unknown) was spotted in Philadelphia’s Delaware River this week. Human officials believe he was following a school of herring. For anyone who has ever fished in or smelled the Delaware, you know these officials are full of crap because no self-respecting dolphin would voluntarily attempt to choke down any of the toxic three-eyed fish in that sludge.

I see a pattern forming here. Dolphin are pretty smart creatures and I think they are either depressed over the idiotic way humans treat them and committing suicide, or they are preparing to leave the Earth en masse. Or both.

If you suddently find a fishbowl in your home that wasn’t there before, the end of the world is nigh and the dolphin have beat feet, er, flippers. The bowl is their way of saying thanks and good luck with that whole destruction of your planet thing.

“This bowl was brought to you by the Campaign to Save the Humans. We bid you farewell.”


…and yes, I know there are two maybe three geeky people out there who would understand this post-Corona goofiness and find it funny. The rest of you can go back to your Cheetos and dramatic gopher videos now.



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He went to Jared!!!

Valentine’s Day is just a few days away. For all you guys who plan to propose to your lady, I’d like to offer a little piece of romantic advice:

If you don’t go to Jared, you’re screwed. Her family will never accept you and she’ll always look down at you like the cheap bastard you are.

I worked in a discount shoe store at the mall when I was like 17. The assistant manager was a very classy chick about a year older than me who was a student at Barbizon. Her boyfriend proposed to her and she threw the ring back at him because she wanted something classier — a big rock with a band shaped like a dolphin. Zexxy! I wonder how that modeling gig worked out for her….

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