Monthly Archives: June 2008

Business quote of the day

“You may be concerned that only you think your boss is an asshole. For this issue I offer the “Kawasaki Theory of Perfect Information About Assholes.” It goes like this: If you think your boss is an asshole, most likely everyone else does too. It’s seldom true that you think someone is an asshole, and everyone else thinks he’s great.”

– Guy Kawasaki, “Is Your Boss an Asshole?” **

I think the above quote can be applied to pretty much anyone: boss, “friend”, spouse, teacher, … If you think he’s an asshole, he probably is. Unless you yourself are an asshole, which is a whole other problem all together.

 

**For those of you unfamilar with Guy Kawasaki, he’s a well-known venture capitalist dude and technology evangelist here in the Silicon Valley.  He also served on the team that brought Apple’s Macintosh to the masses back in the early 80s. I had the good fortune to work with Guy in the past and was surprised by how cool he was considering that he probably should have been just a typical nouveau riche I’m-better-than-you snob (which always kills me, by the way, because most of  the “millionaires” in the Valley just plain got lucky). Anyway, Guy’s blog is worth a read if you’re interested in the tech scene. Or if you just want more help understanding the assholes in your life.

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Movie quote of the day

 

“You know those days when you get the mean reds?”
“The mean reds, you mean like the blues?”
“No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?”
“Sure.”
“Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany’s. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that’d make me feel like Tiffany’s, then – then I’d buy some furniture and give the cat a name!”

– Holly Golightly shares her secret for finding peace with Paul “Fred Baby” Varjak (Breakfast at Tiffany’s) *

* my favorite movie starring my favorite actress, in case you care.

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Surprise!

New York man accused of hiding in woman’s couch

Fri Jun 20, 7:00 PM ET

Police say a New York man cut a hole in a woman’s couch and hid in the carved-out space until she came home. Newburgh police said the woman sat on the couch Wednesday evening and felt a bump in the cushions move.

She jumped up and David Joe Limones emerged from his hiding place, knocking a cell phone out of her hand.

The woman was on the phone with a friend when she entered her apartment because she had filed an earlier complaint against Limones and was worried he might be there. Police said she had asked the friend to stay on the line and call police if something went wrong.

When officers arrived, they found Limones and the 22-year-old woman arguing on the apartment’s balcony.

Limones, 27, faces burglary and other charges. He is being held on $20,000 bail.

County officials, including those at the public defenders office and the sheriff’s department, were unable to provide the name of Limones’ lawyer. (Source)

Holy Jennifer Convertibles, Batman! That is some crizazy-ass stuff right there! It reminds me of that old “why don’t you check on the children?” urban legend we used to scare the bejeebus out of little kids with back in the day; the killer is inside the house with you just lying in wait. If that happened in a bad horror movie, I would likely be the one nutjob in the theater to yell, “Run, girrl! He in the sofa!”

This whole hiding in plain site thing seems to be a bit of a trend these days. Remember the creepy middle-aged Japanese lady living inside the guy’s closet? (Truth be told, that closet cubby was probably bigger than most Tokyo studio apartments.) She was in there for months just scratching around and being generally creepy before the home-owner discovered her.

It’s even happened to a family in Snyder County, PA who found Christina May Nipple hiding in their closet. How many people would be shocked to come home and finding a hidden Nipple? I know if I had a hidden Nipple in my closet, I would freak the hell out. I mean, who’s going to care for that Nipple? And what would the neighbors say if they knew you had a Nipple just hanging around the house causing mischief? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, secret Nipples always cause big problems.

I once hid in my grandma’s hall closet because I was sneaking in at 5AM when I was supposed to be home at 11pm. I didn’t expect her to be awake, so I hid in the closet and waited for my chance to sneak upstairs. Word of advice to you kids out there: never jump out of a closet with an unsuspecting 80-year-old woman sitting close by. Those nitro pills for heart attacks ain’t cheap.

However, if you’re so inclined to hide in your furniture or closet and surprise your friends, grandparents, and/or victims, there’s a company that specializes in building furniture with hidden compartments. False Bottoms Productions makes customized wood furnishings that include “a ‘just the right size’ hiding place where it will best serve your needs.” Whatever that means. They don’t look big enough to accomodate an adult. I think they’re made more for people like Adam Sandler’s character in “The Hot Chick”: it’s where you put your weed. If you have the cash, maybe the company can whip you up a customized Japanese condo for your living room. You know, for those times when Grandma is planning to swing by for a visit.

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80s flashback moment of the day

If a man you’ve never met before suddenly gives you flowers, that’s Impulse a stalker.

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It must have been the Moosehead

Court overturns father’s grounding of 12-year-old

Wed Jun 18, 2:08 PM ET

OTTAWA (AFP) – A Canadian court has lifted a 12-year-old girl’s grounding, overturning her father’s punishment for disobeying his orders to stay off the Internet, his lawyer said Wednesday.

The girl had taken her father to Quebec Superior Court after he refused to allow her to go on a school trip for chatting on websites he tried to block, and then posting “inappropriate” pictures of herself online using a friend’s computer.

The father’s lawyer Kim Beaudoin said the disciplinary measures were for the girl’s “own protection” and is appealing the ruling.

“She’s a child,” Beaudoin told AFP. “At her age, children test their limits and it’s up to their parents to set boundaries.”

“I started an appeal of the decision today to reestablish parental authority, and to ensure that this case doesn’t set a precedent,” she said. Otherwise, said Beaudoin, “parents are going to be walking on egg shells from now on.”

“I think most children respect their parents and would never go so far as to take them to court, but it’s clear that some would and we have to ask ourselves how far this will go.”

According to court documents, the girl’s Internet transgression was just the latest in a string of broken house rules. Even so, Justice Suzanne Tessier found her punishment too severe.

Beaudoin noted the girl used a court-appointed lawyer in her parents’ 10-year custody dispute to launch her landmark case against dear old dad. (Source)

WTF? Did I just read what I think I’ve read? Grounding a kid from a class trip is “too severe”? So now parents, doing their duty in providing appropriate guidance for their children, are subject to legal interference with their decisions as guardians? Maybe this judge just drank one too many of those high octane Canadian beers, because I don’t see how this “case” even got in front of her bench in the first place. Though in her defense, those high alcohol content brews are quite tasty and make me want to start cross-checking everyone in my path.

My drunken escapades aside, this article is pretty sad. There’s clearly more going on here than has been reported. The final sentence says it all: “parents’ 10-year custody dispute.” This 12-year-old hates her father. My limited reasoning skills tell me that she probably has no boundaries at mom’s house and resents the rules daddy imposes at his. I’m also willing to go out on a limb here and say mom probably bad-mouths her ex in their kids’ presence, setting up a permissionable opportunity for the daughter to follow suit and also disrespect him. Just my opinion, of course, but it has a very Lohan-esque ring to it, eh? (“Eh?” See that? I can speak Candian. I’m so friggin worldly and in-tune with foreign cultures.)

Now, I could use this as yet another example of how the world is going to hell in a Hefty bag. Or I could point the dirty pot and patchuli-stained finger of guilt at the hippies for making this kind of disrespctful behavior completely okey dokey in society’s eyes. But, I’m in a good mood today and I’ve decided to curb the doom and gloom. Just for today, though, so don’t get too used to it, pal. No, today I have decided to give you a positive future image for what could happen.

I see this girl living out her remaining teen years in relative chaos. Maybe with an unplanned pregnancy, an alcohol problem (again, those wonderful Canuck beers), a love affair with drugs, or even an addiction to back bacon and Tim Horton’s coffee. But if her dad keeps trying to set rules, if he stays in her life, if he takes the high road and pushes a positive agenda, she may eventually come around. [I’m insinuating, of course, that dad is a good man just based upon one stupid eight-paragraph AP release, but follow me here.]

Every child — especially young women — needs a positive male role model. It is important to their development into well-balanced adults. Maybe that’s not such a popular thing to say in a society rife with ‘I’m both mom and dad’ family models. But F it. I’m saying it because it’s my blog. Kids need rules, they need guidance, and they need strong male & female influences to be their very best later in life.

And, yes, I got all that from reading one stupid article on some news website.

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Movie quote of the day

 

Randolph Duke: Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. We have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold is going to fall. They’ve placed their orders with us and we buy or sell their gold for them.

Mortimer Duke: Tell him the good part.

Randolph Duke: The good part is that no matter whether our clients make money, or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.

Mortimer Duke: Well, what do you think, Valentine?

Billy Ray Valentine (Capricorn): Sounds to me like y’all are a couple of bookies.

– The Dukes teach Billy Ray about finance and frozen orange juice concentrate speculation (Trading Places)

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Today’s Pet Peeve

Dear sweaty-looking lady in the way-too-tight muscle shirt & Birkenstocks at Safeway,

I realize you demand the very highest quality in all of the foods you serve your family. I can tell by the cool ranch Doritos, two bottles of Coke, and bag of Tater Tots in your cart that you are a bit of a health nut. However, I must call your methodology into question when it comes to the one and only fresh vegetable you have apparently chosen to purchase.

Stop Peeling All The Effing Corn!!!

Seriously. Why do people feel it’s a-ok to rip back the husks on an entire bin of corn? I like to grill my corn, and grilling it with the husks flapping around results in burnt-ass corn. What makes these people think they’re entitled to take the husk virginity of every stalk in the bin just so they can find four “perfect” pieces? Not only that, but it’s just plain rude to the staff of the store who has to clean up that stringy mess.

I call bullshit on such shenanigans. And, since I did not sleep at all last night due to a conference call from 11-1:30am followed by comforting a sick dog literally all night, I am extra annoyed and unable to express it with any semblance of grace.

So friggin deal with it, you corn-peeling bastards.

P.S. How hot is that cornhead guy? I’d love to butter him up!

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