I’m not in a very good mood today. It’s also hot as balls in the Valley today, so that doesn’t help. Rather than bitterly marinating in my own sweat & celebrating my pissed off-ed-ness alone (yeah, “pissed off-ed-ness” is a word. i just made it up. wanna fight about it?), I have decided to channel my crankiness into something productive. And thus, I give you a new category called Today’s Pet Peeve. The topic for today’s discussion is …(Drum roll, please!)
Not Covering Your Mattress While Moving
This morning, my four-legged master was dragging me along for a walk when I noticed a moving man carrying a yellowish box spring up a short flight up steps. Upon reaching the top, he placed it gingerly onto a cart, which also held a yellowy mattress. Neither piece was covered in plastic or any sort of protective material.
Now the yellow appearance aside (I’ll get to that), I’m always completely freaked out when I see people driving around with uncovered matresses tied to their rooftops. The place where you rest your body every night, and you don’t care enough to wrap it in a $10 plastic mattress bag from Target? It totally confounds me. Eat a peanut that bounced off a freshly-mopped kitchen floor – EWW! But sleep on a mattress that’s been trucked 50 miles down I-880 during high-smog rush hour — well, that’s just fine and healthful.
And another thing, what about making some stranger lug around your body fluid stomp pad? I don’t know how those poor moving guys deal with that. I’d constantly be negotiating my way out of that doody duty: “Yo, Samson! You take the 15 pound box spring and I’ll carry the baby grand piano.” Even if it’s completely snow-white spotless (like mine, natch), do you really want some guy who has just finished licking his fingers from a lunch of Cheetos and roach coach tacos to be smearing his paws all over your personal biz? There’s like 1/16″ of sheet that protects your shower-scrubbed body parts from his greasy handprint. If I’m going to let that mess touch me, I would rather go direct to the source and maybe get a minute or two enjoyment out of it. …I kid! I kid! (Actually, no I don’t. Call me, over ‘roided moving guy!)
So, please America, do yourself and your neighbors a favor: Don’t be a fool – wrap your tool, er, mattress.
And now, because I promised to discuss my disdain for nasty yellow pee mattresses, I give you my lastest poetic creation.
Ode to Yellow Mattress You couldn’t get up, You’ve had too much to drink. You peed on the bed And made your room stink. Your wife didn’t mind, She couldn’t be sweeter, About all the liquid That came out of your peter. It wasn’t the fact, That your pee wasn’t too smelly. It’s just because She once dated R. Kelly.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Be sure to tip your servers! I’ll be here all week!