Quit being lazy, Axl!

On March 26, 2008, various media outlets reported that Dr Pepper will offer a free can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America — excluding former Guns N’ Roses guitarists Buckethead and Slash — if the band releases Chinese Democracy in 2008. Later on March 26, Rose replied to Dr Pepper on Guns N’ Roses’ official website and spoke of his surprise at Dr Pepper’s support. Rose also said he would share his Dr Pepper with Buckethead as “some of Buckethead’s performances are on [Chinese Democracy]”.  Dr Pepper, however, has not publicly acknowledged any of the rumors of support for this album. [Source]

LOL. Buckethead. I love that. Buckethead is apparently some random guitarist who played with G+R for a while. Guess who replaced him? Bumblefoot!! OMG. You can’t make that kind of comedy up, y’all!

So, by now, everyone has probably heard that the groovy marketing department at Dr. Pepper has offered a free can of their sugar swill to everyone in the US if Axl will take time out from his busy plastic surgery and cornrow schedule to finish this supposed masterpiece that the band began in 1994. Supposedly, some tracks do exist but all I can see is that they have a catchy title for the stupid album and I kind of doubt it’s going to be any good even if Axl gets off his flabby pale arse and finishes it. I know. I’m one of the few people who bought “Spaghetti Incident”. Egads, that was awful.

However, I do like Dr. Pepper. Add a little rum and I can sit through any lame “masterpiece” Axl can dish out. Ok. Maybe alot of rum. 

Don’t go running to Vegas to put any odds on this mess being released in 2008. Princess Axl has thrown press releases on the wire in the past saying it was nearly ready. And still we wait with (not so) baited breath. China will actually BE a democracy before this crap is in a Walmart near you.

BTW, just wanted to note this about Axl Rose: ever notice that he stole Davy Jones’ sway dance? You know, the one he does on “The Monkees” when he’s singing that stupid song about the bluebird waking him up or some such nonsense? Always annoyed me that Axl lifted that dance, then had the nerve to do it in a kilt. Thieving bastard.

In other Dr. Pepper news, what’s up with David “I’m a Pepper” Naughton getting busted for domestic battery? Was it the sugar that got to him? The fact that he has werewolf blood? Or was it just his bad satin jacket in the “Makin’ It” video? Damn. I had a satin jacket too. Pink with a roller skate on the back. I’m very angry that it’s not in style now because it was the bomb. Makes me feel violent…like maybe I should go challenge Axl to a muy Thai battle to the death. Don’t mess with Davy Jones.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Quit being lazy, Axl!

  1. That Monkees song you’re referring to is “Cuddly Toy”, a masterpiece written by Harry Nilsson. The thing that makes this song a masterpiece is that it is actually about a Hell’s Angels gang bang. It is incredibly offensive and raunchy, and the 12 year olds that sing along with it have no idea! With that in mind, check out the lyrics:

    You’re not the only cuddly toy
    that was ever enjoyed
    by any boy

    You’re not the only choo choo train
    that was left out in the rain
    the day after Santa came

    You’re not the only charity light
    that was left in the night
    who gave up without a fight, yeah

    You’re not the only cuddly toy
    that was ever enjoyed
    by any boy

    You’re not the kind of girl to tell your mother
    the kind of company you keep
    I never told you that I’d love no other
    you must have dreamed it in your sleep, bop bop

    You’re not the only cuddly toy
    that was ever enjoyed
    by any boy

    You’re not the only choo choo train
    that was left out in the rain
    the day after Santa came

    Laa, la, la, laa……

    You’re not the kind of girl to tell your mother
    the kind of company you keep
    I never told you that I’d love no other
    you must have dreamed it in your sleep, zop zop

    You’re not the only cuddly toy
    that was ever enjoyed
    by any boy

    You’re not the only choo choo train
    that was left out in the rain
    the day after Santa came

    Laa, la, la, laa………………..

  2. Evan

    THAT’S Axl Rose!!??

    He must be taking some kind of gene therapy form Anthony Michael Hall and Danny Bonaduce and career advice from Jan Michael Vincent or maybe Vanilla Ice’s manager! He looks like one of the MythBusters!

    THIS is the guy who sang like a cat in heat and had supermodel du jour through the 80’s? Hell, the Stones and Aerosmith had the decency to keep up with the heavy drug use and smoking to maintain their looks!

    Maybe Marlboro should offer everyone in America a pack of cigs instead. Phillip Morris probably owns Dr. Pepper anyway. Someone look into it.

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